


Well... It's Certainly Something!

by Run_of_the_mill



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 'cause i can't help myself, Buh-tons, Even if I do continue the story it will never turn serious, Harry still thinks Tom is more handsome, I hope you try to smother your laughter at midnight when everyone else is sleeping, I'm not sure if I should continue this, It's a little bit serious, James and Sirius are so not adults, Lily is a proper grown-up, M/M, Neville is a heartbreaker, Ok I lied, Phaans, T-T, The heat!, These kids don't understand muggle technology at all, This is just crack, Tom and Harry have a some, Why are you still awake?, but just a smidge - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-24 11:22:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13212699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Run_of_the_mill/pseuds/Run_of_the_mill
Summary: Tom and Harry have had... something going on for as long as anyone can remember. Comments such as Tom being unable to part with Harry's arse have become dime a dozen amongst their friends. But neither have ever gone beyond flirting and talking dirty. Tom is more than ready to, but Harry still seems a little reticent. Hence, their relationship cannot be termed as friendly or romantic. But it's certainly something!





	1. Phaans

**Author's Note:**

> I just wrote this because it's so fucking cold round here and i wanted to torture myself with the idea of heat somewhere in this world. T^T I rather like this story but I'm not sure I should continue it. I've a lot of unfinished stories just waiting around... (/T-T)/ I've no idea why I'm doing this to myself or to the readers. Please bear with me. I write as inspiration strikes and I'm so tired lately that it rarely strikes...

Tom lay on the floor, glaring at the ceiling. He was dressed in a pair of short shorts and a tank top. His whole body was covered in a layer of sweat and the young man would’ve sworn, to anyone who would listen, that it was as thick as his thumb. He was positive that he was swimming in his own body fluids. He turned his head to the left and looked into the bathroom that was connected to his room. It had another door on the opposite side that opened into yet another room and, in it, was another boy, lying, with his shirt rucked up, in a position similar to Tom’s.

Tom watched as the other lifted a hand lazily to attempt to fan his face, but quickly gave up with a groan. Tom snorted. Of course he would give up. The heat was sweltering and no one in the whole place could be arsed to even make the slightest movement, for fear of dehydrating to death from it. Everyone desperately awaited James and Lily’s return. The fucking air conditioning system had bided its time and waited until all adults had left the house to break down. With only a bunch of underage wizards left, none of which were allowed to perform even the slightest _reparo_ outside Hogwarts _,_ the heat had entered the Potter home with a vengeance, as if miffed that it had been denied entrance in the first place. Left with no other options, everyone had returned to their rooms to undress and roll around on the floors in an attempt to find a cool spot. Tom was quickly running out of those and found himself seriously considering sidling up to the white marble of the toilet.

“Toilet,” the other boy breathed from his room.

“Nooo,” Tom groaned as he pushed himself onto his hands and knees. “Back off, Potter. It’s mine.” Harry cracked a grass-green eye open and, rather slowly, stuck out a tongue. Then, before Tom could even begin to process what had happened, the boy jumped up and ran to the toilet, embracing it as it were a precious old friend. Tom shrieked wordlessly and allowed himself to collapse back on the floor.

“You’re a hateful shrew, Harry,” Tom declared through dry lips. “We’re all gonna die for accepting your invitation. I _knew_ you were bound to screw us over. Why did I agree?!”

“Oh, fuck off, Riddle,” Harry mumbled, face mushed into the toilet seat. “You’d go anywhere if you thought it could get you in my pants.”

“I’m never getting there if I die first!”

Harry chuckled lethargically and, not for the first time, Tom was struck by how every thing about the other boy was attractive. Even this incredibly gross and sweaty appearance _and_ his callous disregard for Tom’s claim on the toilet.

“The bathroom floor is cool,” Harry muttered. Tom immediately crawled over and dropped himself onto the tiles. His body shuddered in relief.

“And to think,” Tom whispered, “that this started out as the perfect day to finally get you onto my cock. Fuck your shitty air con.”

Harry snorted rather inelegantly and let himself fall to the floor next to Tom.

“In other circumstances,” Tom said in the least seductive voice he could muster, “I would urge you to get so close I was inside you. But right now… _Go_ _away_ , Harry.” Harry ignored him and came closer still and, oh Merlin, how was it possible for Tom to develop a boner in this situation? Was he _trying_ to commit suicide by dehydration, right now?

Harry chuckled hoarsely in his ear and nuzzled his shoulder. Tom thought his tiny, black heart might burst with his feelings for the little demon. _Sho cute!_ Tom screamed in the deepest recesses of his mind. Fortunately, Harry absolutely _sucked_ at all the mind arts.

“Oh my fucking _God_ ,” came a loud moan from across the hall. Harry mouthed ‘Malfoy’ against his shoulder and Tom would’ve laughed if he didn’t feel like a dried up prune. “When do your parents get home Potter?!”

“Any minute now,” Harry rasped as loudly as he could. Tom doubted that Malfoy had heard but the blond git made no more sound afterwards, so his hypothesis remained unconfirmed.

As it turned out, Harry had been right. Mere moments after his declaration, the crack of an apparition sounded downstairs and a muffled “What the fuck?” was heard. Tom could make out some shuffling downstairs as someone dashed around. A few minutes later, the air conditioning puttered back to life and Tom and Harry gasped dramatically. Across the hall, Malfoy yelled “Finally!” and a muffled scream came from another room further down the hall. It seemed that Ron also approved.

“Children?” came a male voice from the stairwell. The five boys (Theo, Tom, Harry, Draco, and Ron) all whimpered weakly. Alone, they would’ve probably gone unheard, but, together, their collective whimper was as loud as one hydrated person's. The man, likely to be James Potter, Tom thought, came barrelling up the stairs and Tom would’ve called him ‘lucky bitch’ if he was in any state to do so. As it was, he could only lie, waiting next to Harry as James went around, slamming door after door, probably hydrating all the near-dead boys as he passed. Harry and Tom were in the room furthest from the stairwell (‘just my luck’ Tom grumbled, later) and were the last to be found. Once everyone was hydrated and feeling better, the boys all gathered in the living room under James’ amused and exasperated gaze.

“Why didn’t you just turn on the fans,” he asked them with a resigned sigh. “This sort of situation is exactly why I had the muggle contraptions installed.”

“We tried,” Draco protested. “Harry told it to turn on, but it wouldn’t. So Tom figured we had to poke it somewhere.”

“I read it in a book,” Tom added, gravely. It seemed that muggle things would turn on if you just pressed a buh-ton. The book’s author had initially thought the ‘buh-ton’ was similar to a shirt-button but, after finding none, had correctly assumed that the ‘buh-ton’ was something entirely different. It was described as a round and red cushiony thing that needed to be depressed. Tom had found none on the ‘phaan’.

“There were no buh-tons on the phaan,” Draco continued to explain. “But there was this rectangle that was red like buh-tons are supposed to be. So Tom tried pressing it and the phaan made this horrifying sound!” The boys all nodded and shuddered in memory. “So Neville tossed it out of the window before it could kill Tom. We didn’t want to risk the sentience of the other phaans if we turned them on. They could have attempted to murder us too.” By that point, James had a curiously incredulous expression on his face that made Tom think that, perhaps, they had all been quite mistaken on the nature of these ‘phaans’. And as James finally gave in and fell to the floor laughing, Tom was quite certain his fear was founded. At that moment, the fireplace was lit with green flames and Lily Potter and Sirius Black stepped through them into the living room. They took a glance towards James, who had gotten purple with the inability to breathe through his laughter, and sent twin questioning looks towards the boys. Harry, who was very red in the face, quietly said: “You really should’ve taught me how to use the phaans.”

Eventually, James recovered enough to explain the situation and Sirius, being a more responsible adult than his best friend, excused himself from the room. Tom, and probably everyone else, could still hear him laughing his ass off in the next room over. Lily was more respectable about her reaction. She merely sighed and promised to teach all of them how to use the ‘phaans’. No, not ‘phaans’, ‘fans’ she had corrected.

“Where’s Neville?” James asked, suddenly.

“Oh yeah,” Theo chimed. “Where _is_ Neville? We sent him off hours ago to get ice cream.”

“Why’d we send Neville, of all people, to get ice cream?” Ron asked with a frown. “Why _Neville_?” Tom immediately understood what he was asking. Neville was the most forgetful person any of them had ever met. He was the sort that could get lost in an open field with nothing to obstruct his vision. Why _had_ they sent him to get the ice cream?

“Because Tom couldn’t be parted from Harry’s arse and his royal highness would never walk in this heat without a cooling charm,” Draco snarked. The boys nodded collectively. That made perfect sense, until…

“But why did we send _Neville_?” Tom asked. “One of you could have gone instead, right?” he said pointing to Theo, Ron, and Draco.

“That’s beside the point,” Lily cut in. “What’s more important is that Neville is _lost_ somewhere out there. Everyone, come with me. We need to go look for him.” James and Lily cast cooling charms over the boys and sent them in different directions to cover more ground. Tom still stayed with Harry though and the other boy blushed as he twined their fingers together. Lily had rolled her eyes at them but had said nothing. Tom and Harry’s relationship, whatever it was, was best left not argued. It saved time for everyone involved.

They eventually found Neville which led to Theo, Harry, Ron, and Draco finding themselves compelled to dogpile on top of Tom to prevent the round-faced boy’s untimely death. It turned out that, while the five boys had been slowly roasting in Potter manor, Neville had been ambushed by older girls who found him cute and had dragged him to their swimming pool. He’d, thus, been enjoying cool water, ice cream, and pretty girls, all by himself for the past three hours. Theo whacked him upside the head on all their behalves and muttered about ‘the round git’s disgusting luck.’

“Of all the nonsense,” Draco muttered on the way home. “How did _Neville Longbottom_ turn out to be the heartbreaker of this group?”

“I always thought that’d be Tom,” Ron agreed. Tom was mildly offended that Longbottom was even considered his equal. His discontent must’ve shown on his face because Harry sidled up to him and whispered in his ear: “He doesn’t hold a candle to you.”

And _that,_ friends, was the only review that truly mattered to Tom.


	2. Crehdeet cards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who wanted a continuation to this madness.

****

Harry bent over the table as he reached for an apple. The other boys immediately looked at Tom with matching grins.

“Bloody lechers,” Tom mumbled around his toast even as he felt the tell-tale tightening in the front of his pants.

‘Pervert,’ Ron, very deliberately,  mouthed at him while Harry was distracted with washing the apple. Draco’s eyes were positively lit with glee.

“I’ve no idea how you’ll survive the summer, Tom,” Theo said. “Your balls might fall off before then.”

“I think I have a plant extract that can help with the chafing,” Neville added with a crude, wanking gesture. Tom rolled his eyes at them and stuffed the last of his toast into his mouth, then stood up to leave. Harry cast him an amused glance but said nothing. Just before he left, Tom stopped by Neville’s chair and looked him in the eye. The round-faced boy swallowed nervously.

“And you’re sure it’s safe?” he asked. Neville blinked owlishly, once, then twice. He nodded and Tom gave him a satisfied look. “Well then, I expect it on my bed by tonight.” Draco snorted out loud and fell off his chair as Ron slapped him on the shoulder in his own mirth. The blonde git didn’t even get angry, simply rolling onto his knees and laughing out loud. Tom turned back to Harry and was gratified to find a light blush colouring the boy’s face. He smirked and left the room.

***

“Tom?” Harry asked as he poked his head into the room. “D’you wanna come out with us?” Tom raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Where to?”

“Muggle part of Godric’s Hollow.”

“Urgh,” Tom groaned. “Why the muggle part?” Harry smiled indulgently at him. Tom hated everything muggle because of his father. Long story short, Riddle senior had only found out Tom existed last year and was trying (and failing hard) to have a relationship with his son. But Tom had abandonment issues and wouldn’t let the man in. He’d heard from the ladies at the magical orphanage that his mom had said that Tom Sr. had abandoned them when he found out she was a witch. Harry had met Mr. Riddle and he seriously doubted that Tom’s mother had told the whole truth. Mr. Riddle wasn’t the most pleasant fellow Harry’s ever met. He was a downright bastard, actually. But Harry could tell that he really liked Tom and desperately wanted to have a relationship with him. Still, Tom did not trust him and, as a result, disliked everything muggle, simply on principle.

“Oh come on, Tom,” Harry pled. “Forget your daddy issues and come have some fun.”

“I do _not_ have daddy issues,” Tom spluttered, face reddening.

“Tom,” Harry declared, “the day you don’t have daddy issues will be the day you no longer want to bend me over that desk and have your wicked way with me.”

“Will you let me if I admit I have daddy issues?” Tom asked, a lascivious look in his slate-grey eyes.

“Maybe.”

“Harry,” Tom said, solemnly, “this is hard for me to admit but… I have daddy issues. Now, if you would please bend over this desk. I have a problem in my underwear that can only be addressed by your derrière.”

“Oh, Merlin,” Theo groaned as he came into the room. “What conversation did I just walk in on?”

“Cockblocker!” Tom snarled at him, accusingly.

“Excuse me while I get my forehead acquainted with this wall,” Draco drawled, following into the room on the tail of his fellow Slytherin. Ron and Neville also peered in from around the door frame.

“Is this an intervention or something?” Tom joked. His bemused smile quickly slid off his face as the other boys started to look slightly uncomfortable. “Morganna, this _is_ an intervention. _What_ _for_?”

“Tom,” Harry said, soothingly, as he sat down next to the prefect. “Your dad’s been trying really hard.”

“Did he put you guys up to this?” Tom demanded, looking slightly angry.

“Yeah,” Ron blurted out. And, when Tom’s face darkened, Draco cast the redhead a glare.

“Good job, Weasel,” Draco muttered. Ron gave him an apologetic look.

“Well, fuck off,” Tom said, coldly. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“But he gave us this crehdeet card,” Theo said waving a small black rectangle. “It has money on it, and I don’t know how it works, but I really want to try it out.”

“It’s made of plastic,” Ron added eagerly. “I recognised it from one of my dad’s long-ass lectures on muggle stuff. Except the little square on it. That’s metal.”

Theo handed it over to Tom, who took it gingerly, as if it might bite him, then turned it around curiously. He shook it a little and tried peering at it under the light.

“I wonder how it works,” he mused out loud.

“We can figure that out if we go to the muggle area,” Harry said. Tom narrowed his eyes in thought and Harry could nearly hear the cogs turning in his head. His curiosity must have won out because, with a long-suffering sigh, Tom said: “Fine. Alright. Let’s go see your muggles.”

***

“And I just tap it against the machine?” Tom asked again. The girl behind the counter rolled her eyes and breathed through her nose.

“How old _are_ you, grandma?” she asked, rather rudely. “Yes, you tap the card against the reader and we get the money.”

“No need to be a bitch about it,” Tom snapped at her. She flushed a little red. “I’m just wondering how it works. It’s not like it’s actual _magic_ now, is it? I’m wondering what the process is.”

“Oh, you’re one of those techy kinds, huh,” she said, looking far more understanding. “Well, I don’t really know how exactly it works. Physics and all that just flies over my head. But I figure you can asked the people at Best Buy. Now, will you please pay for your food. You’re holding up the line.” She gestured to the people behind him.

“Half of those are my tribe,” Tom said pointing to the other five guys. “You’ve already got their order.” The girl looked relieved.

“I knew I’d meet all kinds working for McDonald’s,” she said. “Some people just amaze me.”

“I can’t be the weirdest though,” Tom answered. “Right?”

“Nah,” she said, dismissively. “You’re okay. Now, is your friend single?” She was pointing to Neville and Theo looked like he might smack the boy again.

“Why does everyone keep going for him?” Tom asked, exasperated. “I’m fairly certain I’m more attractive.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “But your boyfriend keeps glaring at anyone who looks too long.” Tom looked back and, sure enough, Harry was staring daggers at her. Tom leaned forwards.

“You really think he’s into me?” he whispered to her, excitedly. She raised an eyebrow at him, as if to ask him if he were not insane.

“You didn’t know?” she asked, incredulously.

“Well, sort of,” Tom answered, nonchalantly. “It’s really a will-they-won’t-they situation at this point. I’m trying real hard, but it’s not working out.”

“Have you taken him on a date, yet?” she asked. Tom shook his head in the negative. “Well, _that’s_ why. I totally respect him for not giving you the time of day, jerk. You probably just make inappropriate comments and hope for the best, don’t you?” Tom gave her a sheepish smile. “Now, will you please pay _before_ my manager gets out here?” Tom nodded and tapped his ‘crehdeet’ card against the machine. It beeped and the girl gave him a long piece of glossy paper. It looked and felt much better than parchment and she said it was his receipt. Sure enough, all the details of the transaction were on it. She instructed him to step aside and wait till the letter and number at the top of the receipt was called. The next customer actually _stomped_ up to her. He seemed to be having an argument with her and Tom felt a little guilty because he thought he might have had something to do with that, what with him taking so long with his order. He forgot all about it when Harry laced their fingers together and grabbed his arm possessively.

“What was she saying about a… a best buy? Is that what she said?” Draco asked when they were done eating. Tom nodded.

“It’s a store,” Harry said. “I saw it when we were coming in. It’s on the other side of the food court.”

“We should go,” Ron said. He complained all the time about his father’s obsession with muggle stuff but, in that moment, he looked exactly like what Tom imagined Arthur Weasley would have if he had been there. Tom rolled his eyes at the redhead, but he had to admit that he was just as excited.

The muggle world was turning out to be more fun than he had thought it could ever be. And thanks to this ‘crehdeet’ card and his father’s bottomless pockets, Tom could explore to his heart’s content.

“Maybe another time,” Tom decided. The other boys looked disappointed but could not say anything. Tom owned the ‘crehdeet’ card and the rest of them had no muggle money.

“No, but listen,” Tom insisted. “We look fairly strange asking about things the muggles seem to think are obvious. I say, Harry, you call that muggleborn friend of yours. What’s her name? Hermyniny or something.”

“Hermione,” Harry said with a roll of his eyes. “And we both know you know her name. You’re constantly competing with each other for the top spot of the grade.” Tom stuck his tongue out at Harry. Granger was the bane of his life and he hated her with a passion. Honestly, he even felt a little threatened by her. She was extremely smart and could probably be as popular as him if she’d just stop being such an insufferable know-it-all. And, oh, did she _love_ showing him up whenever she could.

If Tom had been straight, he would’ve married her right out of Hogwarts.

Heck, if he had never met Harry, Tom would’ve married her straight out of Hogwarts, his sexuality be damned.

“We _could_ call Granger,” Draco agreed. “ _Or_ we could do what your dad’s been hoping we would and ask _him_ to introduce us to the muggle world.” Tom clenched his jaw and flipped him the bird.

“Oh, come on, Tom,” Neville sighed. “You know he’s been dying to get to know you better.”

“And it’s conveniently happening now,” Tom snarled at him. “After he’s been through- through ‘ _keemoh’_ , whatever _that_ is, and figured out he can’t have other kids.”

“Whatever,” Theo muttered, trying to diffuse the situation. “Let’s just call Granger. I’m sure Ronniekins here misses his little girlfriend.”

“She is _not_ my girlfriend,” Ron spluttered, his ears turning as red as fresh tomatoes. “ _And_ she’s not little.” Granger was actually just a few centimeters shorter than Harry who was a little taller than 165cm. Tom wasn’t sure.

“I’ll send her Hedwig when we get back home,” Harry said with a resigned sigh.

***

Granger sent a letter back early the next morning. Hedwig looked disgruntled and she nipped at Harry’s finger when he tried to feed her an owl treat. Tom bared his teeth at her and she squawked angrily in his direction.

“Stop trying to intimidate my owl,” Harry said with a smile.

“She bit you,” Tom mumbled, petulantly. Harry ignored him and opened the letter. Then, he sighed.

“Hermione can’t come,” Harry said. “She’s in the US with her parents. It says something here about visiting her dad’s older brother.” Tom’s face fell. Well, there goes the idea of exploring the muggle world during summer vacation. It must have shown because Harry patted his arm. “Just give in already. Let’s ask your dad.”

“No!”

“You’re being a child about this,” Harry said with a frown.

“News flash,” Tom snapped, “I _am_ a kid in the eyes of the law. Muggle _and_ magical.”

Harry took a deep breath through his nose and pushed Tom into a loveseat, then curled up next to him.

“You can’t ignore him forever,” he said. “You can’t spend every summer hiding out at my place. I’m sure my parents will let you, but… He’s your dad, yeah?”

“I told you before and I’ll say it again,” Tom bit out. “He’s only my dad because he can’t have any more kids. If he could, he wouldn’t give two flying shits about me.”

“You’re being utterly unreasonable,” Harry argued. “How old do you think he is?  He’s 54. My mom says that muggles don’t usually have kids at that age, anyways. If he’d wanted other children, you’d have a brother or a sister by now.” Tom frowned, speechless for once. He had not considered that his father was too old for children. That wasn’t how it worked in the wizarding world. At 54, Tom’s dad should have been considered pretty young still.

“He’s too old?”

“Yes, Tom,” Harry confirmed. “For a muggle, he’s too old to have children, anyways. He probably still could if he hadn’t been through that- that ‘keemoh’ thing. But most muggles don’t have kids when they’re that old. They don’t live very long, y’know. Maybe another 20 years, thirty if you’re lucky.”

 Tom frowned at that. He had not considered that he had so little time left with the man. He had thought that he’d let the bastard stew for another decade before even considering giving in. But, with Harry’s information, that didn’t seem like a possibility. Suddenly, Tom was very frightened about being left alone again. Harry squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek.

“Let’s go see him, yeah?”

Tom nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions? Comments? Insults?
> 
> P.S.: There may or may not be a third chapter to this. It all depends on response.

**Author's Note:**

> Questions? Comments? Insults?
> 
> P.S.: Sorry it's so short. It's meant to be a crack-y sort of fic to make you smile and, hopefully, laugh. I'm not trying to engage in deep discussions with this story.


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